Dating with self harm scars

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I have come clean to some of my friends about the depression, but I feel very uncomfortable talking about my self-harm and have not told anyone about that. I feel quite conflicted about this because I am interested in dating! I have not dated or had sex in years, so no man has seen my scars. However, I am very nervous to talk about this one aspect, and I am unsure when to raise it.

Is this something I discuss prior to being intimate with a man and before he sees me naked? Do I proactively raise it before that? Or do I just try to address it after having sex for the first time?

5 Not Obvious Signs of Self Harm

Do you have suggestions on how to talk about my scars? Congratulations on addressing your depression and getting the treatment you need to manage it and move forward with your life. Maybe on a date the topic of your depression will come up organically and you can take the opportunity to mention your self-cutting and the scars then. Or not at all or not for a while! In your case, when you share the story of your scars, it potentially invites a deeper discussion about your mental health and everything around that.

So, you do need to feel some comfort and trust with a guy… which is something people should hopefully feel before they get intimate with someone anyway. In that sense, the scars can be a dating tool. Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram. Seattleite August 17, , 9: Keep in mind that depression and self-harm may not be completely unfamiliar to the men you date. My son is in his 20s and had at least one friend in high school who was self-harming.

He was compassionate and understanding toward her. You have nothing to be ashamed of. To clarify what I mean by battle scars, I mean your battle with depression. The one you are currently winning. Lots of people are self-conscious during sex and leave the lights low or wear lingerie at first.

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Honestly, I doubt most guys would bring it up even if they did notice. I think the biggest hurdle is just being okay with yourself and your history. Everybody I know has some kind of scarring somewhere. A lot of people have stretch lines or tattoos they regret. You just have to accept yourself, history and all. Do you all think guys are THAT clueless?

Of course they are going to notice them. And ask about them. So just be honest. Diablo August 17, , Oh, i think you must mean gay guys, Mark. We straight guys are notoriously oblivious. Cleopatra Jones August 17, , Moe P August 17, , I think that your history with depression is something that should come up relatively soon. I also think it is important to think about HOW you bring it up. The trick is to take it one date at a time. I also think many guys would get a sense of what had happened even without telling them.

I know I have. Okay, I have a serious question for the commenters. Do you really comment on the flaws or weird birth marks, less sightly areas, etc.. How, when, and why would you bring it up? Look, I never remark on birthmarks, but if some one had a bunch of obviously self induced scars — yeah, that WOULD definitely merit a conversation. Guys always comment on my birth mark on my thigh.

Would you date someone with self harm scars?

I have a variety of scars though that never seem to be noticed — small scars from surgery, a huge strip down my hand from a cooking mishap, scars from piercings, etc. Lianne August 17, , Yeah I am with Mark on this one. I mean, she wrote in to DW on advice about this topic and how to broach it. I think being intimate with someone includes talking about her mental health, and what goes with that — when she is ready. If it were me, and I was looking for a LTR, I would want this to be out in the open before getting physically intimate.

Eventually, it progressed to enticing my abusive partner to cut me, and later to challenging her to hit me. It just takes diligence and an understanding partner. But, it might not. In many cases, the person who self-harms has an inner voice saying that they need to do whatever their self-harming crutch is. We may need you to help talk us out of them sometimes. A general rule of thumb is to assume the self-harming behavior has absolutely nothing to do with you.

Self-harm scars have made me scared to have sex

It might seem like something really silly, but most of us are very self-conscious about any scars that might have come from our self-harming. Personally, I never wore shorts in public until I was around 23 — I hid my cutting on my thighs so that I could control who saw them. But bringing attention to the cuts is sort of awkward. Another person who cares about them and nurtures them will kiss each one of the scars. In theory, this is a really sweet idea, since it feels like you care enough to try and erase them.

But especially if there are a lot of scars, it will feel really awkward to have you personally recognize each one. We know what you mean. In some extreme cases, it might be necessary for you to get us help.

We just need someone who knows that things might get hard sometimes. The scars might never go away, either. Some of us might cover them up with makeup or tattoos, and others might choose to hide them with clothing or wear them with pride. Your email address will not be published.

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Notify me of follow-up comments by email. Notify me of new posts by email. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed. And one of the things that hurt me the most was when I finally gathered the courage to tell one of my friends and they reacted in completely the wrong way, and caused a lot of trouble and friction between us.

She assumed that I was mentally unstable, that I was trying to kill myself, and that the only way to handle the situation was to never let me near anything sharp ever again.

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If anyone out there is considering self harm at the moment, I understand what you're going through, but I urge you to use CLEAN tools, and to wash and dress any wounds as soon as possible afterwards. I'm not condoning self harm in any way, but if it's going to happen then it should be made as "safe" as possible, just like recreational drug use, if it's going to be done, is something someone should educate themselves about the safety of. I understand that many of you will be confused, that you're wondering why anyone would want to to hurt themselves and then try to make it better by putting on a plaster.

But self-harm often isn't about the long term pain, but about the emotional release at that individual time. I've even heard of people spacing out during the act of self harming and not realizing what they've done until they came back round. I want to look at this at a different approach though: Being a self-harmer in a relationship is a huge thing for me.

When my boyfriend and I first started dating he found it strange that I wore long-sleeved tops in summertime, and would wear a towel right to the edge of the swimming pool. He thought it was odd that I wore long sleeved gloves to my prom, and wouldn't take them off, even for the finger-food. Having scars, and sometimes fresh wounds on my body can be a pain and a hassle, but can also be awkward to brush off.