Advice for dating someone with borderline personality disorder

They may try to bait you into anger, then falsely accuse you of rejecting them, make you doubt reality and your sanity, or even brainwash you as emotional manipulation. It is not unusual for them to cut off friends and relatives who they feel have betrayed them. They react to their profound fears of abandonment with needy and clingy behavior or anger and fury that reflect their own skewed reality and self-image.

In a close relationship, they must walk a tightrope to balance the fear of being alone or of being too close. To do so, they try to control with commands or manipulation, including flattery and seduction. Whereas narcissists enjoy being understood, too much understanding frightens the borderline. Generally, borderlines are codependent, and find another codependent to merge with and to help them.

They seek someone to provide stability and balance their changeable emotions. A codependent or narcissist who acts self-sufficient and controls his or her feelings can provide a perfect match. The person with BPD may appear to be the underdog in the relationship, while his or her partner is the steady, needless and caretaking top dog.

They each exercise control in different ways. The non-BPD may do it through caretaking. Passion and intense emotions are enlivening to the person without BPD, who finds being alone depressing or experiences healthy people as boring. Codependents already have low self-esteem and poor boundaries, so they placate, accommodate, and apologize when attacked in order to maintain the emotional connection in the relationship.

Setting a boundary can sometimes snap them out of their delusional thinking. Calling their bluff also is helpful. Both strategies require that you build his or her self-esteem, learn to be assertive, and derive outside emotional support.

What You Need to Know When Dating Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder

Giving in to them and giving them control does not make them feel more safe, but the opposite. See also my blog on manipulation. BPD affects women more than men and about two percent of the U. BPD usually is diagnosed in young adulthood when there has been a pattern of impulsivity and instability in relationships, self-image, and emotions.

How to Cope When a Partner or Spouse Has Borderline Personality Disorder

They may use alcohol, food, or drugs or other addiction to try to self-medicate their pain, but it only exacerbates it. I just have to cling to the fact that I love her. So I do all the little things. All the little things I can. I buy her flowers, write her letters, write about movies and books and dream up conversations that might make her laugh.


I cook or get her favorite foods. Sometimes, she might throw away the food, or the flowers, or rip up the letters. So, I cook extra, buy spare flowers, write spare letters. Doing all that, might sound a bit too submissive. Reading this was interesting to me. Unfortunately, I seem to have been attracted to people like her. She robbed me of practicing my ability to think independently, to feel confident in my choices, to feel my feelings, and to have my own experience in the relationship. I have read the posts by BPD people on here, basically flipping out and accusing the author of making them stop their treatment, of fearing abandonment again, etc.

She has no idea who she is. I feel so sorry for her, because I know some of the tragic things she suffered as a little girl. No one wants BPD. No one wants to know this is them. Your parents did this to you. No one is born this way. There is no evidence of this at all. Sadly, most BPD will never read this comment.

It takes a real hero with BPD to go through treatment, tell the truth about themselves instead of everyone else, and do the work when it seems that no one cares and everyone is out to get them. I probably was, because my mom basically killed me on the inside. I felt dead and empty for so long, and I was in complete chaos. God healed me, but … I still have many coping problems.

I just got out of a relationship with someone who was up and down all the time, who always had an issue with me. She wanted a reaction from me, and I just dropped it. I felt like I was submissive.

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And that is my problem: I won for myself by just walking away. I gotta work on myself and my caretaking personality, my need to fix people like my mom. And all the while I have my own issues, too. I have my own life.

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  4. And a real hero. I myself need help. A boy who never really healed from a mom who beat him down every day of his life … my BPD ex and BPD mom tell me I just feel sorry for myself and ought to be ashamed for this. I know what happened to me. They know what they think.

    Distorted Borderline Perceptions and Damaging Patterns

    I know what I know. Naturally, my ex told me that those are just excuses for me to blame people instead of moving on. But I am not gonna move on until I am good and god-damned ready. And no one is going to shame me for having been shamed. Anyway, leave a BPD. I was diagnosed BPD at 23 and with anti-depressants I have had no symptoms for 15 years until entering a relationship with a troubled man recently.

    Often this is a disorder that therapist throw out just because we are female. I saw 4 of my girlfriends diagnosed with it on one month. The brain is an organ that is often broken, just like the lungs. There are about 25 character flaws or symptoms which are likely to exist in much of the population.

    Advice - Dating Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

    We are not maliciously hurting anyone. I never noticed I did anything wrong. The only people I intentionally manipulated were my therapists. Sometimes we use men. Sounds a lot like males? If a man had 5 women on back up but really loved one.