15 Guys Explain Why They Date Women Over 30
Good luck to you. As a 21 year old, I went out with guys 11 years older than me. In hindsight, and with the perspective of more experience, I was manipulated. Not much, but it was there. My daughter is a very emotionally and otherwise intelligent 20 year old who is also a virgin, and I would not be happy for her, if she entered a relationship with a 34 year old at this point. I believe she deserves to have someone at her level, with her popular cultural background, who she can have as a friend as well as a lover. An older man is fun, and exciting, and interesting, but my opinion, for what it's worth - not for your first.
Especially if he's conflicted. Are there circumstances where that age gap could work? But not when you're a virgin. Believe people when they tell you who they are. This guy is telling you in 5 years time, you'll hate him.
Older men often date younger women, but everyone can benefit when the age gap is reversed
I think there's a part of you that wants to help him and persuade him that you'll never believe that, and prove to him that he's a good guy. Actual good guys don't do that, they're just awesome. There are power dynamics with such a large age gap - these are in his favour. The fact he wants that to be your problem not his is a massive screaming red flag.
It sounds like he's giving himself a list of excuses so if he does hurt you, he can persuade himself he warned you. Listen to his warnings. So I'm actually the 20 yr old asking here, but I just wanted to get your perspectives on what may be going through the older guy's head because he is very conflicted Actually, this guy doesn't sound that conflicted anymore.
Yes, he had been sending you mixed signals in the past. But right now, he seems to be clearly expressing that he does not want to date you. I think you need to move on from this one. If he can't enthusiastically get his head around dating you for whatever the reason, you deserve better.
Between 20 and 34 you will change a lot hell, you'll change a lot between 20 and But by 34, he is pretty much where he's going to be. The worry with age gaps like that is it's very easy for the much older person to unduly influence the growth and development of the younger person, whether conscious or subconsciously, because the younger person is so very malleable at that point.
It would be hard for anyone his age who's been sexually active to not pressure you, simply because they're so accustomed to having sex. He's been having sex, legally drinking if you're in the US , living independently, all of that for years. He has definite ideas of how he likes to do things and what he wants.
Because he's sure of these things and you're not it is kind of inevitable that in some way you're going to be heavily influenced by him. If he was extremely inexperienced in relationships himself this would be a little easier since you'd be thinking about these things together. That's not the case. This does not mean you should be ready to have sex and shack up. I think you should move on and it has nothing to do with the age gap.
He wants a long-term relationship, you aren't ready for that yet. He broke up with you for not being ready for sex yet.
And he already isn't sure about the relationship because of your age. And he's uncomfortable with taking your virginity.
Older Men Who Like Younger Women Aren't Creeps
From your post it sounds like he just doesn't feel right about dating someone 20 years old and his concerns seem legitimate to me. There's nothing wrong with dating someone older IMO but this gentleman isn't the older person that you want to be dating. Age issue aside, it sounds like he is trying still trying to pressure you into sleeping with him by playing hard to get so you ultimately are the one who physically initiates.
Also, it sounds like he has been preparing you for when he loses interest once he does succeed. I think he's being selfish and doesn't have your best interest in mind. He wants to do right by you; he doesn't want to make false promises to get into your pants. This has become increasingly true as he's got closer to you. He isn't entirely clear on what you're waiting for.
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Maybe you're waiting for a serious expression of commitment from him. But he's getting near the limit of what he can promise in good faith. Maybe you're waiting for something he can't offer, but you haven't worked that out yet. Maybe you want a disney prince charming or a calvin klein model to light an instinctive fire in your loins. He figures if that was going to happen it would have happened by now. Maybe it's something else or you aren't sure what you want. If it's 2a or 2b he figures if he persuades you to lose your virginity to him he'll be short-changing you - that you'll be thinking well, I was hoping for more, but I might as well settle for this guy.
He doesn't want to do that because of 1. If it's 2c he figures someone older might have thought more about what they want and might be able to clearly articulate it - or they'd have already lost their virginity and he wouldn't have to over-think this plate of beans. Or don't, I mean, it's not the end of the world to have a little heartache, but still, this is such bad news. It's gotten to the point where this kind of behavior automatically makes me lose a huge amount of respect for the person who is doing it because I've had such shitty experiences with guys like this in the past.
I think you could do a lot better and are getting caught up in the "will we or won't we" excitement that he's generating, and it sounds like a bit of a waste of time. You're aligning your actions on a lot of coulds. Yes, you could be miserable in five years time. But how will you ever know? Apparently now you're both not confident enough to have your relationship.
I myself would go try it. As someone said, it's not a contract. If it doesn't work out, you or he will end it.
If if does work out, you will enjoy it. More specifically, if you are having to dedicate this much effort to trying to guess and gauge what's going on in his brain, you shouldn't be in the relationship, because in a healthy relationship if you want to know where the other person is at, you ask them, and they tell you, and you understand. The more time you need to spend finding ways to justify their response and turn it into the response you want, the less likely it is that this is a good relationship for you.
He's made it pretty clear that what he wants and what you want aren't compatible. That's all that you need to know. He has a girlfriend, hon.