This example also demonstrates projective identification, where the codependent enabler actually starts to take on the projected role. How are you feeling? What do you feel scared about? I feel scared that you might start yelling at me.
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How am I emotionally abusing you? What should I do? To the narcissist, your feelings are not important. Since the narcissist takes no responsibility for their experience, including feelings, any negative experience must be your fault.
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Sally told me that you hit her. So what if I did! She hit me first!
You should never hit a child. You made me angry. How did I make you angry? I thought about something you said and that made me angry! This example is at the extreme end of the spectrum of narcissism.
There is an absolute decoupling of action from the assignment of responsibility. I got hurt too. A relationship is doomed to failure under these conditions. Some relationships last while both people are crushed under the weight of dysfunction, but eventually such a brittle system snaps. Why were you talking to that girl? She came over and asked me a question. Were you attracted to her? Not really, I guess. You were hitting on her! I could tell you were! You know I feel kind of stressed right now. I was just trying to read my book and then this happened. Oh, it always has to be about you!
This is another instance of projection. The enabler must warp themselves to fit the needs of the narcissist. Any attempt to assert the self as an independent entity is met with strong resistance. I hope that with these examples I have helped you to spot the signs of narcissistic behavior.
Perhaps, like me, you tend towards codependence. Perhaps you have been immersed so long in your current situation that you have not noticed these dynamics ramping up. Perhaps this is a wake-up call. My wife, Cindy Riach, is highly experienced at supporting people who struggle in relationship with women who are on the narcissistic spectrum.
I recommend that you contact her for a free consultation. Sign in Get started. They only care about the plights of others so long as it relates to them and their agenda. They see others — like their own children — as extensions of themselves. Narcissistic females as mothers can be horrific and self-centered. They treat their children as objects, praised only to the extent where their children meet their selfish needs.
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Otherwise, their children are devalued, ignored, abused and neglected. Narcissistic mothers especially have a tendency to do this as their children grow older, especially with their daughters. They compete with their young daughters, especially if their daughters represent a threat in terms of beauty and talent. They sabotage those they are envious of. Female narcissists engage in a great deal of relational aggression to undermine and extinguish those they perceive to be threats. They idealize, devalue, and discard.
She enjoys creating harems and love triangles. She will triangulate her significant other to the nth degree. She becomes enraged at the slightest criticism and feels she has to eliminate the source. She does this all while maintaining a pristine, polished image to the rest of the world. She is hypercritical and micromanages those she feels represent a threat to her grandiose self-image. The pathological envy of a female narcissist is immense and it seeps into the way the narcissistic female fabricates imaginary flaws and shortcomings in others.
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She takes a sadistic pleasure in duping, abusing and bullying you. Perhaps the most malignant trait of any narcissist, of any gender, is his or her glee at watching you fall. Research reveals that more malignant narcissists rejoice in inflicting pain. They enjoy putting you down to keep you feeling off balance. They take actual pleasure in the pain they produce. They will introduce new sources of adversity and inject chaos into any peace you may be enjoying. It is not your job to fix them or educate toxic, malignant people on how to be decent human beings. The best course of action is doing what you can to move forward in your success and channel your experiences into your victory.
- 4 Warning Signs You’re Dating a Narcissist.
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- 3. She sabotages your friendships and relationships, stirring chaos within social groups..
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Remember, indifference is their kryptonite. Emotional toddlers cannot be schooled properly on empathy — they will continue to operate from the dark realms of their character disorder. But take heart — all narcissists eventually unmask themselves and many eventually meet their downfall, all while their victims move onto bigger and better things.