When they are in relationships they get very intensely involved way too quickly. But then what comes along with it, a couple of weeks later, is: Everything is done with passion, but it goes from being very happy and passionate to very disappointed and rageful. Prior to her diagnosis, her boyfriend, Thomas, used to blame himself for her hot and cold behavior.
Although each person has their own unique experience, these are some common thought patterns people with BPD tend to have:. Nobody cares about me as much as I care about them, so I always lose everyone I care about—despite the desperate things I try to do to stop them from leaving me. These thoughts may be completely at odds with your own perception of your partner, but it is imperative to understand that for them, they are very real, and can drive them toward extreme and seemingly irrational behavior.
When Your Loved One Has Borderline Personality Disorder
Navigating through this emotional minefield can be difficult and painful for both of you, but knowing that their thoughts and behaviors are the product of intensely powerful perceptional distortions deeply rooted in their mental health disorder, rather than a reflection of your own shortcomings, can bring some comfort. For Thomas, educating himself about BPD helped him move from self-blame to empathy and compassion:. There are a lot of nuances, complexities, and lines to be read through with BPD, but mostly I see Borderline Personality Disorder as an illness about pain, fear, and struggling to cope with all of that.
But the common conception is just [that they are] crazy, which is an extraordinarily damaging misconception to those who suffer from it.
For relationships to have a chance of succeeding, this is a critical piece: I test him, gage his behavior, wait for him to do or say something to convince me he still likes me or the other way around. His cute little gestures produce only temporary bliss on my part. We endure many an awkward silence. He begins to pull away, and all of my greatest fears are validated. Sometimes, out of sheer desperation, this is when I open up about a few things. Historically, this has never done anything to preserve the relationship.
He leaves anyway and, after a good cry, my emotions suddenly shut down. Sooner or later though, emptiness makes way for rage. What am I going to do about it? Even if it means dragging myself through the agonizing process of trial and error a hundred times over. If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page. I still watch out for her over my back, particularly when I'm in the mall or other places where she used to frequent.
More on that in future posts. After living in the crazy world of the borderline, you can go back to normal. It may take you time to heal and you may suffer some Post Traumatic Stress Disorder , but you can get back to normal.
BPD Relationship Recovery - Me Project
One of the most important parts of getting back to normal is severing as much contact as possible. Depending on the borderline and the severity of their illness, keeping contact with them can become a large liability. At the end of the relationship, the borderline that I was dating was beginning to get violent. Not only that, there were times that, during an argument, she threatened calling the police if I came over.
The last thing that I want is to get involved with the law over a relationship.
The Road and Travels Continue
It becomes a game of 'she said, he said,' which ultimately is no win. Just so we're clear, at this point, I had been in a serious relationship and actually had married as well. I wonder what my wife would think it I had actually done this. I actually went to the police station and had to issue a statement to these allegations. I asked the officer what I needed to do to make sure that these kinds of allegations did not continue. He politely informed me that he suspected that they would stop at this point. They have this was in Post script -- it's now nearly 10 years after the relationship -- I haven't heard from her at all.
Things can get back to normal, but it does take time. I've written many of the insights that I'm about to discuss here, but they are worth repeating. First and foremost, make sure that you actually feel the pain. Don't bury the pain in alcohol or exercise although my opinion is that you can't exercise too much or another partner, as the pain needs to come out, and it will come out eventually in some ways.
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Just as important, when you're ready to heal, you're going to need to do the work. This most likely means seeing a professional to understand what drew you to the borderline and how you got sucked in. I know that the borderline offered a lot of things to me that I had never had before and a false sense of security, so I fell hook, line and sinker. You'll also have to be willing to make changes in yourself, which can be the most challenging.
It's always someone else's fault - to harbor that blame and make healthy changes is difficult and requires commitment. I'll try to periodically post as I continue my journey. Use this site as a stepping board to move on in your life. Show the healthy side of things and where you can go. Let's make the site a place where we can show the amazing things that you can do after living through a relationship with a borderline! As you recover from your relationship with the BPD in your life, be sure to keep laughing, and keep life in perspective. You're alive, you've survived, now you need to thrive.
A BPD in your life makes thriving quite difficult, as you need to keep providing them with boundaries that they are going to continually violate. You need to focus on yourself when recovering from a relationship. Make time for yourself. Clearly, the benefits of exercise are well-documented. Those that exercise live healthier lives, live longer, lives, etc.
You'll have more self-confidence and better self-esteem. When I run, I solve the world's problems. The first mile or two is myself adjusting and settling into my breathing patterns, run cadence, and more, but then I put myself into a zone of meditation where I think through what's on my mind and work through my issues. I put myself into a near-meditative state. I go to wonderful places in my mind. This is the result of the body's endorphin being made -- it gives you a near natural high where you just feel great -- about yourself and the world around you.
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- The Cycle of Dating I Go Through as Someone With BPD | The Mighty.
- Distorted Borderline Perceptions and Damaging Patterns.
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For those of you that are just getting started with exercise, the following books should help you get started. She accused me of doing something and giving it to her, but I didn't give it to her as I didn't have and still don't have that STD. However, she was so accusatory about me giving her the disease that I never suspected anything until now, five years later.
It took me five frigging years to figure out that she was cheating on me. Oh well, that's her problem, not mine. Time for the story. We had just moved in together, so I was a little in shell shock, a little still wearing rosy colored glasses, and in the midst of a 3 year divorce process, when the BPD contracts genital herpes. She tells me that I gave it to her, but I've never had it. I've had cold sores in my life, but I've never had genital herpes. I told her that maybe she has cold sores Herpes simplex 1 on her genitals, but she didn't buy it.
It was a downright onslaught of accusations. Frankly, the BPD had me so tied up in her accusations throughout the relationship that I was never able to clear myself of, until the very end of the relationship.