We choose our partners based on our level of comfort and ease with them. This is not on a conscious level.
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We don't think our way through choosing a partner. We let it naturally happen. The problem arises when we realize that the same issues, concerns and behaviors of our ex are eerily similar to that of our new partner. It takes quite a bit of self-searching to avoid repeating the same behaviors that led to the end of a marriage.
The key, says Gorshow, is to learn from the past before going forth into the future. If we don't learn from our past and actively change our behavior, we repeat what we have not learned. Some people are shocked by how quickly the first post-divorce rebound relationship can move, even when they have the best intentions of taking things slowly with the first girlfriend after divorce or boyfriend. Gorshow references the above advice about not learning from the past as a possible explanation for why things move so quickly.
How To Start Dating After Divorce
While a newly-divorced person may feel like it's important to focus on themselves , a successful relationship requires considering the feelings and needs of the other person. I learned this lesson early. I only dated because my ex had a girlfriend, and it was my way to personally retaliate. Who did it hurt? I was a dating disaster since I wasn't truly ready. Starting to date again can be an overwhelming experience. My self-esteem was damaged and I felt stuck. I needed to work through my personal issues before I could be successful in dating.
You're Actually Interested In Dating
Fortunately, I had the help of a wonderful professional counselor who helped me move forward. Many women go straight to their girlfriends for advice on dating and relationships when a professional source is needed. An unbiased professional -- someone who sees issues objectively -- is a better choice. A coach will tell you the truth about your readiness to date.
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A well-meaning friend may not be so honest. My advice is, before you join the dating boomers, seek out professional help from a trained counselor or coach like myself.
In this case, you need a coach more than you need to eat another chocolate bar with a girlfriend! Being afraid to go solo: Solo is the way to go when you are looking to meet someone to date.
5 Mistakes Women Make When Dating after Divorce | HuffPost Life
Although we love being with our girlfriends, constantly traveling with a group of gal pals is a recipe for disaster. I know it takes time to feel comfortable traveling alone, so you need to practice. I suggest taking a class, going to a show, concert, movie or opera alone. Take yourself out for dinner and sit near the bar area. If you're feeling confident, have dinner at the bar.
If you spot someone of interest, catch his eye for a few seconds and smile. Perhaps he will come over and introduce himself. If he doesn't, count it as practice.
Advice About First Relationship after Divorce
A woman alone is approachable, confident and mysterious. The more you practice going out alone, the easier it is. I tell clients, if you want to meet an interesting man, be an interesting woman. Remember, men are attracted to women who are independent and fun -- women who have interesting lives of their own.
Being someone other than your "genuine self" on a first date: Talking about work may feel safe, but it's not a good first date conversation. If you had a bad day, stay home unless you can bring a positive, approachable attitude along. Before going out, I put on some upbeat or romantic music, dance by myself in my home and think happy thoughts. I leave my past in the past. If you don't have time to go home prior, dress for work in something "dateable" like a wrap dress, a pencil skirt, or a fabulous sweater or satin blouse that makes you feel pretty.
Focus on a positive mood, be aware of your posture and stand tall. Add your favorite perfume, freshen your makeup and hair and smile. Your smile is always your most important beauty accessory and a welcoming appearance enhancer.