Thanks for your responses thus far. One question - what would be the solution to a too-formal writing style? Should I throw in some random misspellings or what? Should I purposefully use bad grammar? Seriously, this is a problem for me.
Dating Message Examples: 6 Different Tactics and Tips
Don't write too much. You want a dialog not a monologue. I'm wondering if you're spending too much time thinking about the writing and not enough just chatting with her. I've been guilty of that more than I'd like to admit. Just try to write the way you speak. If that seems too formal to someone you probably wouldn't get along with that person anyhow. Yes, I agree with asking some questions to keep the conversation going. Also - are you coming on too strong? Things that may be interpreted as coming on too strong include: There may not be anything wrong with these things for a lot of people but I definitely think that you need to let the woman be the instigator of these things and go at her pace within reason , otherwise she may interpret this as being a bit aggressive.
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- Dating Message Examples: 6 Different Tactics and Tips.
Just my two cents - good luck! I find absolutely nothing wrong with your writing style based on what you've written here and I would caution against dumbing it down.
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Typos don't bother me, but I would be put off by a real lack of attention to spelling or grammar. I can't imagine that anyone would hold good spelling against you, but the opposite might hold true for some people. I think thus far you may have just had bad luck, unfortunately. Keep at it though - hopefully you'll find someone that was worth the wait. Oh, GOD, no -- bad grammar is one of the things that puts me off.
Online Dating: How to Write the First Message or Email
The best advice I got when it came to "informalizing" style came from a friend who was critiquing an essay I wrote -- she said "imagine that you're on the phone with a friend and you're telling them this story. Now write down exactly what you said on that phone call. Even if both parties are keen on each other, initially corresponding by letter is poison. Email is also time consuming, and if she has twenty guys sending her email, where is she going to get the time to write replies?
You can find out if you like someone far quicker and easier and more reliably even in mindless chat, than by email, so the sooner email is behind you, the better off you both are. It's very hard to figure out what you're doing wrong if anything without seeing some examples. I think you're focusing too much on the technical part of writing spelling, grammar, etc. If the person disliked the technical aspects of your writing enough to stop considering you, she probably would have stopped at your profile rather than contacting you.
Could you possibly paraphrase an email you've sent or give us some examples of topics you generally bring up? Interestingly, harlequin, this has the OPPOSITE effect on me -- it sounds like a guy is just shooting emails out to everywhere and then offering his home email to whomever answers so he can pick and choose from the luxury of his email box at home. I usually like to trade a few on-the-personals-site emails before I give out more direct contact info so I know if I want to bother.
I critique written stuff as a vocation, to boot. Don't throw in random misspellings or bad grammar. Do use contractions and a casual tone. Try to use your speaking voice rather than a more formal writing voice. This all depends what you're like when you're speaking, of course, but as an example: Of course, if that's the way you speak, too, then you probably don't want to change that -- and the right woman won't care. Speaking as a man who is dating someone he met on an online dating site, let me just say, the process can be cumbersome, but every person who doesn't write back because they're put off by how you write be it content or mechanics is someone you did not want to talk to in the first place.
Trust me on this: While it can be daunting to experience such a high apparent-failure rate, treat it as a blessing in disguise: Then, bask in the gentle warmth of the ones who appreciate your long and unwieldy emails. Eventually you'll find one who writes her profile entirely in limerick hi Jen! You can't always identify the good ones through email, but you can sure spot the bad ones. Keep it chatty, ask questions that lend themselves to easy banter, and don't wait too long to move it to real-life meetings. If he's giving you his home email address, then he's not moving things to something more useful and easier than email, he's just trying to move to a more direct form of email WTF?
An exception would be something like MSN where it's a really a chat request, but the username happens to be an email address because that's how the system works. Pretty much all dating sites have chat features built in these days, which can nicely sidestep the issue. If she is writing you first which is not that common , she is most likely writing e-mails to other men. Maybe one of them caught her attention before you were able to respond. I hate to reinforce stereotypes, but I want to hear that he is interested in me. You would think this would be obvious by the simple fact that you're replying to HER email, but a few questions about her profile will cement your interest.
Desperate guys talk about themselves and talk themselves up. Creepy desperate guys talk about their fetishes and talk themselves down. Don't do either - instead, focus on her while slipping in some info about yourself. It's not an interrogation, though. She writes or her profile states: I currently live in Baltimore and I like to read.
Really, I used to live in Baltimore. Do you know [independent bookstore] on [whatever street]? They had great coffee. What kind of books do you like? OK, that's a little stilted, but you get the point. I think your writing style is fine, if it's similar to what you've written here. I also learned to look past the occasional grammatical mistake, both because it'd be hypocritical if I didn't, and because I've learned that you miss out on a lot of great guys that way.
If you're comfortable offering your phone number, do so. My now-husband emailed me first, I responded, and he emailed back "Why don't we talk on the phone? It's a MUCH better form of communication, it put me at ease because I knew he was for real, it felt much better than him asking me for my , and we just got married 3 weeks ago. Cut out the unnecessary half.
Speak the remainder out loud. Fix whatever doesn't flow out of your yapper nicely. Replace at least one, but not more than two, periods with exclamation points. Hey all - sorry to keep poking back into my own thread. A bunch of you have asked me to share some email samples, but I'm sure you can understand that this isn't very practical. I'm really looking for general tips and "gotchas.
I think this is an area where I especially need help; my writing style is way too formal. Any advice you can give me on this will be appreciated. Also, is it bad to have both profile references and questions in one email? How long is too long? It doesn't seem like there's much consensus on this. What would be some opposite signs, indicators of confidence instead of desperation? For example, is it safe to suggest a meeting after I've received 3 emails from her?
Should I wait for four? And as much as I'd like to think that this was just "bad luck," the sad fact is that I've been doing this for almost four years.
I really think that I should be better at it by now. You say you don't want to post your emails but would it be possible to maybe provide a sample email that women send you and we could craft a good response? Then you could kind of compare it to what you're writing. Not to repeat myself too much, but for all of your questions, I think the answer is: If she wrote three pages and asked you forty questions, you can do the same.
However, if she wrote a short note, you should respond with a short note or a slightly longer note, perhaps.
Ask one or maybe two questions. These can relate to things in her profile -- in other words, combine the questions and profile mentions into one thing.
First Message Strategy #1: Go For Laughs
Every woman will have different red flags, and what's a red flag to me might be endearing to someone else. However, don't say that you're looking to settle down, or that you're eager to have kids, or anything that you wouldn't say to someone when you were first meeting them. I personally like meeting right away, but I understand that some women are turned off by that. After three emails, though, you should be safe -- if she doesn't want to meet then, she may never want to meet. Oh, and one more specific question - how much does timing matter?
In other words, how long can I wait to respond before it starts to look like I don't care? Likewise, if I respond too quickly, is that a sign of desperation? Some of my male friends routinely paste me their dating site messages to girls. These are the biggest and let me tell you- glaring mistakes along with the impression created: More than like 3 sentences unless girl in question herself wrote over a thousand words is way too long.
Don't you have things to do with your time?