This is why victims so often suffer even after the ending of a relationship with a narcissist, because the emotional invalidation they received from the narcissist made them feel powerless in their agency and perceptions. Narcissists keep harems because they love to have their egos stroked and they need constant validation from the outside world to confirm their grandiose sense of self-importance and fulfill their need for excessive admiration.
This is why they are clever chameleons who are also people-pleasers, morphing into whatever personality suits them in situations with different types of people to get what they want. Beware of people who seem to shape-shift suddenly before your eyes into different personas — this is a red flag that they are not authentic in their interactions with you and others.
This smear campaign is used to accomplish three things: The only way to not get pulled into this tactic is by going full No Contact with both the narcissist and his or her harem. Healthy relationships thrive on security; unhealthy ones are filled with provocation, uncertainty and infidelity. Narcissists like to manufacture love triangles and bring in the opinions of others to validate their point of view.
They do this to an excessive extent in order to play puppeteer to your emotions. In the book Psychopath Free by Peace, the method of triangulation is discussed as a popular way the narcissist maintains control over your emotions. Triangulation consists of bringing the presence of another person into the dynamic of the relationship, whether it be an ex-lover, a current mistress, a relative, or a complete stranger. Unlike healthy relationships where jealousy is communicated and dealt with in a productive manner, the narcissist will belittle your feelings and continue inappropriate flirtations and affairs without a second thought.
This can make it difficult to pinpoint who the narcissistic abuser truly is — the sweet, charming and seemingly remorseful person that appears shortly after the abuse, or the abusive partner who ridicules, invalidates and belittles you on a daily basis? You suffer a great deal of cognitive dissonance trying to reconcile the illusion the narcissist first presented to you with the tormenting behaviors he or she subjects you to. During the discard phase, the narcissist reveals the true self and you get a glimpse of the abuser that was lurking within all along.
You bear witness to his or her cold, callous indifference as you are discarded.
11 signs you’re in a relationship with a narcissist
The manipulative, conniving charm that existed in the beginning is no more — instead, it is replaced by the genuine contempt that the narcissist felt for you all along. You were just another source of narcissistic supply, so do not fool yourself into thinking that the magical connection that existed in the beginning was in any way real. It was an illusion, much like the identity of the narcissist was an illusion. It is time to pick up the pieces, go No Contact, heal, and move forward. You were not only a victim of narcissistic abuse, but a survivor. Owning this dual status as both victim and survivor permits you to own your agency after the abuse and to live the life you were meant to lead — one filled with self-care, self-love, respect, and compassion.
Shahida is the author of Power: She is a staff writer at Thought Catalog. They respond to consequences. You deserve the best and more… so I strongly encourage you to get this book! It took every detail from my past struggles and validated and helped make sense of everything.
Nothing terrifies me more than being so close to someone and then watching them become a stranger again. Reblogged this on other woman no more and commented: Narcissists expect others to think and feel the same as they do and seldom give any thought to how others feel. They are also rarely apologetic, remorseful, or guilty. But narcissists are highly attuned to perceived threats, anger, and rejection from others.
At the same time, they are nearly blind to the other feelings of the people around them. They frequently misread subtle facial expressions and are typically biased toward interpreting facial expressions as negative. This is why narcissists often misinterpret sarcasm as actual agreement or joking from others as a personal attack.
Their lack of ability to correctly read body language is one reason narcissists are deficiently empathetic to your feelings. Narcissists also lack an understanding about the nature of feelings. They think their feelings are caused by someone or something outside of themselves. In a nutshell, narcissists always think you cause their feelings—especially the negative ones. This lack of empathy makes true relationships and emotional connection with narcissists difficult or impossible.
11 signs you’re in a relationship with a narcissist | Metro News
Therefore, narcissists make most of their decisions based on how they feel about something. They simply must have that red sports car, based entirely on how they feel driving it, not by whether it is a good choice to make for the family or for the budget. They always look to something or someone outside themselves to solve their feelings and needs. Any negative thoughts or behaviors are blamed on you or others, whereas they take credit for everything that is positive and good.
They deny their negative words and actions while continually accusing you of disapproving. They also remember things as completely good and wonderful or as bad and horrible. They can deal with only one perspective at a time—theirs. They may have fears about germs, about losing all their money, about being emotionally or physically attacked, about being seen as bad or inadequate, or about being abandoned.
This makes it difficult and sometimes impossible for the narcissist to trust anyone else. In fact, the closer your relationship becomes, the less he will trust you. No amount of reassurance seems to make a difference, because narcissists deeply hate and reject their own shameful imperfections. Narcissists never seem to develop trust in the love of others, and they continually test you with worse and worse behaviors to try to find your breaking point. Anxiety is an ongoing, vague feeling that something bad is happening or about to happen. Some narcissists show their anxiety by talking constantly about the doom that is about to happen, while some hide and repress their anxiety.
But most narcissists project their anxiety onto their closest loved ones, accusing them of being negative, unsupportive, mentally ill, not putting them first, not responding to their needs, or being selfish. All this is designed to transfer anxiety to the loved one in an attempt to not feel it themselves. As you feel worse and worse, the narcissist feels better and better.
In fact he feels stronger and more superior as you feel your anxiety and depression grow. But they harbor a lot of shame.
2. Exaggerated need for attention and validation
Shame is the belief that there is something deeply and permanently wrong or bad about who you are. Buried in a deeply repressed part of the narcissist are all the insecurities, fears, and rejected traits that he is constantly on guard to hide from everyone, including himself. The narcissist is acutely ashamed of all these rejected thoughts and feelings. For example, I had one narcissistic client who was into skydiving and other intense risk-taking behaviors tell me that he never felt fear.
Ultimately, however, this makes it impossible for them to be completely real and transparent. This makes them emotionally needy. When one relationship is no longer satisfying, they often overlap relationships or start a new one as soon as possible. They desperately want someone to feel their pain, to sympathize with them, and make everything just as they want it to be. But they have little ability to respond to your pain or fear or even your day-to-day need for care and sympathy. How will the other person feel?
Will this action make both of us happy? How will this affect our relationship?
Want more insight into the relationships in your life? Find out the things you should always be selfish about in your partnerships and the questions that could keep your marriage from ending. Food has the power to create a happier and healthier world. Celebrity Nutritionist Kelly LeVeque will show you how. Group 8 Created with Sketch. Group 7 Created with Sketch. Email Created with Sketch.