In the meantime, you need to learn to stand on your own two feet without him there to support you, and it can be done. Clarity is probably one of the greatest gifts in life, so whenever you have the opportunity to get some, grab it! We can want plenty of things that are terrible for us, like Krispy Kreme donuts.
Distance gives you perspective. It gives you clarity and if you can really rein in your emotions, a dose of objectivity which is almost impossible to have when it comes to matters of the heart.
The biggest mistake people make is refusing to let go of dead-end relationships. This is what causes people to waste months, years, or decades of their lives, with nothing but feelings of hopelessness and despair to show for it. Yeah, yeah so I need to focus on myself … but will I be able to get him back??
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If you spend your period of no contact working on yourself and building up your self-esteem, if you are able to really realize that you can live without him and you can find happiness in your life, then yes, there is a good chance he will want you back. Men are attracted to independence and confidence. They are also drawn to a woman who wants them, not one who needs them. See this article on neediness to learn the difference between the two. When you follow the no contact rule, you give him the time and space to miss you.
This can only happen in your absence, not in your presence. By reaching out too soon, you risk falling into a post-relationship relationship. The only way to trigger these feelings of nostalgia and yearning are to not be there. Him wanting you and thinking about you and wondering about you is a byproduct, not the goal. The goal is to gain clarity and better yourself. Learn to love yourself, to love your life, to be happy. Like I said, change takes time. Or maybe those inner changes will help you be more equipped to be in a healthy relationship.
No matter what, this is in your best interest. Getting through the day without the one person who was once practically the sole center of your life can feel daunting. At first, you might feel a little lost and empty. But I promise once you power through those first few days, it will get easier. And these days, breaking a sweat is more fun than ever thanks to all the new types of classes out there: Just do something to get those endorphins pumping!
The Importance of the No Contact Rule after Going through a Breakup
Exercising can improve our mood, reduce stress, boost metabolism, and increase our self-esteem because it feels good to push ourselves to new limits. And of course, in addition to feeling good, exercise will also help you look really good! Take care of yourself. Just the opposite, actually. It will send you down a negative, self-loathing path. And wallowing and obsessing over him will not bring him back; it will just drive you deeper into the depths of your misery. Remember when you were a teen and feeling sad and angsty over some issue or other and your mom told you to take a shower and get dressed and put yourself together and get out of the house, and then somehow you kind of snapped out of your funk?
Just as how we feel on the inside shines outward, the way we adorn ourselves on the outside also radiates inward. Beyond just getting dressed and making an effort to look better than you feel, take this time to nurture yourself. Get a massage or a manicure or a facial or all three! Be kind to yourself. Breakups are hard and there is no way around it. Even clean breaks are painful. So go easy on yourself and use this as an excuse to load up on me-time.
Spend time with friends. As humans we are social beings, and having relationships is essential to our mental health. This is why solitary confinement is considered the cruelest punishment and can literally drive people insane. Call your friends or family and spend time with them, a lot of time. You need people right now.
Everything You Need To Know About The No Contact Rule
And you need fun. So call up the funnest people you know and get out there! I am also a big proponent of getting out of town when things get rough, especially after a breakup. You can also escape all the reminders of him lingering in your house and spread around town like emotional landmines.
We all have that something that makes us feel alive, that puts us in touch with our essence, that makes us feel worthy and competent. Whatever it is, make the time to do more of it. This is a major building block for self-esteem, something everyone can use more of post-breakup and in general, actually.
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Above all, you should try to gain clarity during your period of no contact to avoid making the devastating mistake of getting back together with a guy who is wrong for you. About a decade ago I experienced a gut-wrenching breakup with a guy I thought I loved.
We were entangled in a codependent, toxic relationship and it needed to end. I knew it and he knew it, only I was too weak to do it. After our sad, tear-filled breakup conversation, we decided not to speak for a week and then touch base. It was the longest, most agonizing week of my life. Then we got together and he seemed … fine. And him being so fine just obliterated me.
The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule- What Is He Thinking?
After seeing me in this sorry state, he suggested we have no contact for three months. Just getting through this one week had been complete torture! I resolved not to let myself sink into a black hole for the next three months; I had to move forward somehow. The only thing that kept me going was the hope that he would be back eventually.
So I got my act together. I went to the gym, I spent time with friends, I wrote, I read, and I even started dating someone new. We were off to a strong and healthy start and then of course my ex resurfaced one night completely out of the blue. And despite my better judgment, I answered. Soon enough our relationship devolved to the toxic mess it had been before, and the end the second end was so brutal it took me over a year to recover. In terms of how long it should last … I say the no contact rule should be fully in effect without exception for at least three weeks.
If after that you feel you absolutely must reach out to him, then throw something casual out there and see how he responds. It is always best to let him be the first to reach out, though, so try not to cave. One of the most confusing breakup scenarios is when he dumps you, but then continues to contact you. Does he want you back or not? The simplest answer is usually the correct one: Why is he doing it?
If they make repeated attempts, then you know they're genuinely interested. If they don't, then you know they're not. Jasmine, Generally, a "Oh, I've just been super busy lately. I kept meaning to get back to you, but everytime I was going to, something kept popping up" will do. I don't worry much if they think I'm playing games. As a matter of fact, I don't worry much about what the guy thinks about me at all, LOL. Because by the time I've gotten to the point that I'm ready to use no contact, they've already disrespected me in some manner - and didn't give a rats ass what I thought about them for doing that - so I don't worry about what men will think about me - that don't worry what I'll think about them.